Guitar Dyslexia

During a brief period when I was eleven, if someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would matter-of-factly reply: "I have a calling to work with the dyslexic."

Amazingly, no one laughed, punched me in the face, or even asked me why I thought I was God's gift to special education. At that age, I knew this many people with dyslexia: zero. So, where I got this idea is unclear. I suspect I only learned the word "dyslexia" from an elementary school jokester who pointed out that someone with dyslexia would likely pray to a canine deity. Nice.

I think I just liked the way the word "dyslexia" sounded. It was exotic and musical to my sixth-grade ears, and I thought it would look pretty on a business card. Needless to say, my flirtation with this vocation was short lived—which should be a relief to educators and students everywhere.

While no one punished me for my misguided hubris at the time, cosmic retribution is here in the form of guitar tablature. Guitar tabs are essentially "Battleship"-style grids that show guitar players where to put their fingers on the strings—for example, second string, third fret. This way, you don't actually have to know how to read music in order to play. (You can see the tab for "Happy Birthday" here.)

I can read music about as well as a second grader can read a story aloud. I haltingly sound out phrases and practice them over and over until I get up to speed, then move on to puzzle over the next section. But my music-reading skills are all based on the piano—I don't really know where to find the notes on the guitar strings yet. So, tabs are for me! Except: I can't read them.

Tabs feature six horizontal lines, each representing a string on the guitar. So far, so good. But here's where it gets tricky: The top line of the tab actually corresponds to the bottom string of the guitar ("high" E). I think this is because when you are holding your guitar and looking down at the fret board, you are practically standing on your head—so maybe this tab format was designed to make life easier for your brain.

I see the logic in this, but my instincts are the reverse. I always think that the top line on the tab should be the top string of the guitar ("low" E). So, imagine what my brain does when it sees this insane tab for "Stairway to Heaven." Try as I might, I can't wrap my head around it. Show me a tab half as complicated as this, and I will probably spend 20 minutes counting on my fingers to find the right string for the first note, second-guessing myself, reversing the count, and then throwing in the towel and searching for the song's chords online instead.

Short of seeking out an eleven-year-old with a calling to help me overcome my guitar dyslexia, my only choice is to buckle down and practice—and it's going to be hideous. Maybe I'd better start with "Happy Birthday" before I tackle "Stairway," eh?